Winding it back a few years, more like six, and I find myself, like usual, people watching. This time eavesdropping too.  I was standing on the street outside of St. Georges in Kingston Jamaica, watching the funeral procession for a former Prime Minister go by. A girl my age was asking others in our group why we were there. She was given the response that our group was there to help, as we were volunteering with youth in the area. She refuted, asking how we over others would be able. When talking at a high school assembly back in the day about what I was grateful for from my experiences in Jamaica, that moment sums it up. It was that I was challenged to think about actions I take, and how, if at all, it matters. Over hearing a stranger challenging my choices encouraged me to have the mindset to challenge my own decisions and to figure out the how and why. Critical thinking about one’s own actions...I’m working on that... but here, with critical thinking in another realm, I’m really struggling.

I’m tasked with mobilizing resources. I’m not holding back any details as the entirety of my instructions was to go mobilize some resources. Problem, no one can tell me what they want money for and they have no program defined enough to apply for, and there is no concept of funding priorities. I asked to look at their last grant application which happened to be to the good old Canadians. In the proposed budget they asked our government for funds for a pool table. Last week they happen to have an application passed on from another group(all other applications I am to discover on my own). It was for educational grants, something I think is direly needed here.  Now my job is supposed to be to work with the staff to put together and edit the proposal. The  first question on the form was asking for an “outline of the education program to be funded”. My supervisor shrugged his shoulders when I asked him what program he wanted funded. When I tried to draw suggestions out of him for potential projects he just said, “sure sure you work on it” and then he left for town.  It was easy enough to come up with something but it uncovered that they don’t have priorities or plans for funds...they just know they need money. Also, they can’t tell you what their programs do or what projects they want to undertake.

So what does this have to do with being challenged? No matter how long I am here, no matter how much I pour into my work, the experience of people here, will never be my own, and I can never fully understand life here. My coworkers will always know the situation better than I. Yet they take everything I say as right, as best, when I know it is not. No one here will engage in discussion or debate to push your thoughts and creativity to the next level. When your ideas are challenged and others contribute or suggest alternatives, ideas are revised allowing new and better alternatives to surface. This is THE frustrating thing about working here, they want me to come up with all these projects with no input from them.

Furthermore, my being here is not permanent. Whatever is set up, or applied for, is helping with potential solutions that are not going to be carried out by me, so my logic makes me believe the more my coworkers are involved in all steps, the more committed they will be to following through. I met with them today...well the 3 of 10 staff who were there for the half day of work and they said they would think about things over the weekend.